[There's a second where Kim Dokja almost worried that this is the moment where he dies. He's not used to having swords drawn on him. He freezes, trying to think if there's anything he'd be able to do, but he knows he's not fast enough.
He's relieved when that head is smashed instead.]
He'll turn up again.
[The real body would be elsewhere. They might have made an enemy of him. Not that Kim Dokja really cares. He can plan around it, though having other people who know part of the future is still a risk, because they might change important details. They might reach rewards that he needs before him.
If he was any better at self-insight, he'd know that his thoughts were a distraction. He's still watching Yoo Joonghyk, trying not to think about how empty he feels since their bond as soulmates was broken. He can't regret dying. It was necessary. It allowed him to clear the scenario. He doesn't have time for it to hurt.]
Are you planning to take a station to take part in the scenario? I can help.
[There's no real verbal reply other than a grunt from the taller man.He had already stopped thinking about that person and all his attention was back on Kim Dokja. Was Yoo Joonghyuk's gaze always this soft? He looks at the other with a stare before he takes a few steps towards the other.
Kim Dokja was correct when he knew he wasn't fast enough to compete against Yoo Joonghyuk. His hand shoots out and grabs ahold of the reader's arm. His grip was firm, but there was something uncharacteristically gentle about it. He merely pushes the sleeve up slightly so he can watch the tattoo on the smaller man's wrist come alive once again.
The incredibly tense shoulders dropped and relaxed. Everything about Yoo Joonghyuk seems to soften right at that moment. It was like watching something tightly woven unravel at the seams. He merely brushed his fingers over Kim Dokja's tattoo without a word.
Kim Dokja might have wanted to keep things under wraps, but Yoo Joonghyuk has always never cared for what people wanted it seems. Right this moment, he especially didn't care when he felt so incredibly grounded again. It was one thing to be a starving man who didn't know what they were missing and being a starving man who had felt tremendous loss. He no longer can go back to a time where soulmates meant nothing to him.
He wasn't satisfied with just this, really. He wanted to touch the other more. He wanted to feel their hair underneath his fingers or the press of lips.
He doesn't though.
Yoo Joonghyuk was sure the other wouldn't reciprocate, so he'll take scraps for now.
He doesn't care if people are murmuring or staring. His attention was completely on the man in front of him.]
[Kim Dokja is definitely expecting violence again. He jerks back, but too late, because Yoo Joonghyk has already grabbed his wrist. He considers trying to break free, but it quickly becomes clear that there's no need to defend himself. Yoo Joonghyk is just looking at his tattoo.
I didn't actually think you'd know when it happened.
[Of course he'd know. In the stories, everyone always knew when their soulmate died. But it had only been temporary, and his original plan had been to be brought back immediately. He still wasn't sure exactly why he hadn't been.]
[The Constellation Demon-Like Judge of Fire has sponsored 100 gold.]
[The message snaps him out of it. He's being watched, not just by the constellations, but by the rest of Chungmuro station. He can hear them whispering, though they're all staying back for some reason.]
Wait--
[He can feel himself getting flustered. What were they all thinking? He'd been keeping this tattoo hidden for a reason!]
Wait, why are you just grabbing me anyway? I don't have to explain what happened, but I would have if you just asked, so--
[Even though it's a relief to have been grabbed. Even though he never wants to feel that emptiness again. But now he's glancing at everyone around them, and looking like he wants to be anywhere but there.]
[He doesn't respond right away. He's too busy absorbed in the gentle pulse under his fingertips. It's real. The other was alive. How can something bring him so much calm?]
I felt you die.
[Kim Dokja was the one who died. He didn't know what it felt to have you entire world crumble just like that. There was even a moment where Yoo Joonghyuk wondered if regressing would send him to the next turn to reunite with the other. It was terrifying though. He had never felt true fear until that moment, he thinks. Kim Dokja wasn't in his first two regressions. He couldn't say if the other would appear in his future regressions. Would he risk a future regression without his soulmate or live through a regression with them dead?
He didn't have any answers to his questions. Seeing the other was no short of a miracle in his eyes. He doesn't know how they came back alive, but he knows that he can't rely on the other doing it again.]
Do you- [He grits his teeth.] Do you think that this wouldn't have affected me, Kim Dokja? [This man was a fool. An idiot. Whatever damn knowledge he had; Yoo Joonghyuk wasn't obviously privy too.] How would a dead man explain to me what happened?
[Did the other think he knew he came back to life? Perhaps they would understand now that until he saw them again, he had assumed the man was gone for good.
He doesn't let go still. The other might be flustered, but he can give Yoo Joonghyuk this much at least.]
[He doesn't pull away. He should, he thinks about it, but the message doesn't reach his arm. His pulse is rising, both from the touch, and from the embarrassment of being the center of everyone's attention like this. He keeps getting messages from the constellations.]
I was never going to stay dead. I got King of no Killing.
[He keeps his voice down so he can avoid the entire station overhearing, at least. The more information he manages to keep private, the better.]
It was supposed to be instant!
[He really can't do this here. He doesn't want to defend himself to this bastard, especially not when he can hear people taking sides. They're calling him reckless. He's pretty sure he can hear the word selfish.
He reaches out to grab Yoo Joonghyk's coat, thinking he'll be the one to drag the bastard this time, then realizes too late that since Yoo Joonghyk is already holding him, this is just more awkward. But whatever, it's too late, so he starts to drag him just like that into the tunnel, where they can at least find some privacy.]</small
[He clicks his tongue in irritation. Surprisingly, Yoo Joonghyuk seems to not be too mad. Perhaps frustrated, but the other was calm. He was being terribly patient with the other.]
Do you think I knew that? [He snaps a little. If Kim Dokja said yes, he might actually punch the other.
He's trying his damn best to be as patient as possible because the other obviously has no idea just how they're affecting him. He even lets the smaller man drag him away from prying eyes. It didn't matter to him, but apparently it mattered to the other.
If it means he can still hold onto the other then he's fine with this.] What is it?
[Kim Dokja takes a moment to peer back out the tunnel to make sure no one followed, or no one is trying to eavesdrop. But if they are, there's not much he can do about it. Privacy doesn't exist in this world anyway, not with the constellations always watching.
He wonders if he could get away with going deeper into the tunnel. Pull his arm free, and go find a sub-scenario to complete. It would be easier than dealing with whatever this is.]
I didn't think you knew that. But I didn't think it mattered.
[If he'd come back instantly, then Yoo Joonghyk might not have known... Though their tattoos might still have faded, and that feeling of loss he's been pretending wasn't real, that would have given it away.]
You're the one who threw me off a bridge, and left me to fight monsters all night!
[Yoo Joonghyuk almost seems more frustrated with himself than with Kim Dokja.]
I didn't think it mattered either. [He grits his teeth as he forces those words out. Like they physically pained him to say out loud. It was an embarrassing declaration that the man had also realized just how much it mattered when it actually did.
He was also learning how to handle the whole soulmate thing. He was never great with his emotions, but it's becoming glaringly obvious that the "perfect protagonist" was very much a human with noticeable flaws. This was a learning experience for both of them and one that couldn't be handled the same way he normally handled things. It was frustrating.]
I needed you to prove to me something back at the bridge. [It may have been logical to Yoo Joonghyuk, but most would find his tactics quite extreme. Still. He needed it though. His next response comes out a little more sulkily.] Tch. I waited two days. [He had waited to see the results at first before continuing forward. Even then, he won't admit to the way he kept glancing at his own tattoo. It was the only confirmation he had that the other wasn't dead yet.
He doesn't comment about the night with the green zones. Either it wasn't important for him to comment or he didn't want to say anything about it.
Maybe he was being particularly petty that night. Either way, if the other was expecting some apology from the man, it wasn't going to be given. He was standing by his methods.
His grip tightens a little, but was still a far cry from the death grip he had on Kim Dokja's neck the first time they met.] My tattoo appeared on the subway. [Kim Dokja already knows that he never had one, but Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know that the other knew such information. It seemed important to say because he didn't understand why it appeared when it did.] Why did you appear now? Why not before? [Could the other even answer that?]
If you didn't think it mattered, why are you mad at me!
[He doesn't really care at this point that Yoo Joonghyk dropped him to the Ichyosaur. He's a bit annoyed at the green zone event, but he also knows better than to expect an apology. Yoo Joonghyk makes his decisions and doesn't look back, even if that means sacrificing people. It had been Kim Dokja's responsibility to survive that night. But--
Wait.
He'd waited two days?
He feels some of his annoyance at the man drain out, but his annoyance at the situation only increases. There was nothing from Ways of Survival to help him figure this out. Yoo Joonghyk was acting strangely, looking at him strangely. Yoo Joonghyk seemed just as annoyed as he was, which made sense, because he was having feelings forced on him by the tattoos that he didn't have time for, that he didn't want. He'd probably tried to ignore it, and Kim Dokja's death had proved that he couldn't. Having a soulmate now would only be a distraction for the regressor. A weakness.
He does kind of like knowing that the protagonist of the story waited for someone like him. It wouldn't be possible normally.]
Maybe I didn't survive those times.
[That doesn't really make sense. Yoo Joonghyk should have been born with his tattoo, since Kim Dokja was older, and he should have had his most of his life.]
Maybe there's more qualifications to make someone a soulmate than just existing. Maybe yours is a special case. I didn't have knowledge of the future before the scenarios started, so I wouldn't have been useful to you.
[He's rambling, throwing out thoughts he's not sure he believes in. But he'd finished reading Ways of Survival on that train ride. His knowledge had been completed. The alternative he can think of is that someone powerful enough had decided to alter this round for Yoo Joonghyk, but knowing this man doesn't like having his life meddled with, hearing that would only make him angry, so he stays quiet.]
I- [He makes a face as he seems to really decide what he wants to say. The man somehow makes looking constipated look good.] I wasn't expecting you to die. [Actually, he doesn't quite believe the words he just said. He can't really explain it and he finds there isn't really any other way to say it either. Or maybe he thought Kim Dokja's death wouldn't have impacted him in anyway.
What he does know is that Kim Dokja's death was sudden and came as a complete surprise.] Can't I be mad? [He glares at the other.] Do you know what it felt like when you died? [It wasn't as though the other could say that Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know what it was like to die. To suffer. Sure, he never truly died and regressed instead, but he knew the pains of dying and he knew that regressing also wasn't an enjoyable experience.
Still, he thinks he would take those over that moment of feeling Kim Dokja dying.]
You know that's not possible. Tattoos appear when the younger of the two is conceived. It's a symbol of a deeper bond that transcends human knowledge. [That was surprisingly eloquent from the man. Although he never had one and stopped caring for them; he was knowledgeable.
For his to appear when he regressed meant that they didn't exist for each other until now. Why though?]
What does usefulness have to do with this? [He's looking at the other like they're stupid. Why was the other bringing up being useful? How aggravating. He hated that the other wasn't wrong about being a special case, but that was because he didn't have one while living in a world where everyone else had one. It was like he had been born to stand alone in solitude.] Fool. Does it matter anyways? You are my soulmate.
I don't know what it felt like. But it was necessary.
[Yes, he'd died on purpose. He probably shouldn't have admitted that, if he wants this hypocritical bastard to be less angry, but he didn't care. It had been the option that had the highest chance of success in that scenario, so the risk had been calculated. He'd reached the flag in time, and made himself King of no Killing. It had been worth the risk.
He's running out of words. It's a rare feeling for him. It's annoying. He finds that he doesn't like being called a fool by Yoo Joonghyk, and he doesn't know what to do with his bluntness.
Why is he talking about soulmates like he's accepted it?]
You're the one who asked!
[And he doesn't have any other explanations, aside from "you were in a character in a story for me up until that train ride." He doubts that will go over well.]
Do you--
[He really doesn't have words. He's exhausted. His brain isn't working fast enough.]
There- [He's angry.] Why would dying be necessary?! [He yanks the other closer to him. He'd hit the other, but the idiot was willing to die, so he's starting to think that it'd be the opposite of what he wanted in the first place.
Whatever it was that he even wanted. He doesn't know. It's complicated.] I'll tell you then. I felt the world crumble around me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. [These were incredibly risky moments for a regressor. How easy would it have been for the man to succumb to those feelings and to decide that this turn was no longer worth continuing in.] I felt I had lost every reason to live and nothing could replace the hole you had left. [He studied the other carefully.] Did you not say I was no longer alone? Or was that all just talk back in the dungeon?
[Yoo Joonghyuk might not be particularly fond of the situation that had been forced onto him, but he had accepted it.]
What do you mean what am I going to do?
[It might be irritating to have a question basically parroted back, but the question was so vague and Kim Dokja needed to be a little less vague about what exactly he means.
[Kim Dokja instinctively puts up a hand between them when he's yanked closer. It's meant as a shield, to stop him from stumbling into the man, but he ends up with a hand pressed to the other man's chest and a desire to never stop touching. How can this man be so warm?
He's realizing just how tall he is, too. How broad his chest is. His physique isn't just bought through coin, and that has never been more clear than now. For a second he forgets to breathe.]
I--
[The awkwardness of having to tilt his head back to look at the man does help him focus, if only because it reminds him to be annoyed.]
It was the option that carried the least risk.
[He finds he doesn't want to explain himself. Explaining his plans means he stands the risk of someone ruining them, and while this particular plan has already succeeded, he might have to do something similar in the future. Not to mention that explanations will only increase Yoo Joonghyuk's anger here.]
I'm alive now. I knew I'd survive. [That's a lie, there were too many ways his plan could have gone wrong.] So -- let's move on?
It's not like I didn't feel it, too. I knew you were alive, but I wasn't sure -- I thought the bond might be lost.
[The more eloquent Yoo Joonghyuk is being, the more Kim Dokja seems to be stumbling over his words.]
[His mouth forms a thin line, but he doesn't push the topic any longer. The other obviously believed the decision he made was the right one and it was a decision that already come to past.
All it really did was leave him with a headache. It wouldn't take away the moment he felt, but at least maybe he could try to prevent it from happening again. The ache in his chest doesn't subside in anyway though. Maybe he just wanted the other to care a little more about himself instead of dismissing it all.]
What do you mean? Should I do something about it?
[He tilts his head and gives the other a curious gaze. It's not a glare or a scowl and it's even softer than his more neutral expressions. He was studying Kim Dokja.] What is there to do about it? We're soulmates and that won't change. I've accepted it. [He considers his next words before responding.] If you aren't interested though then I won't pursue it.
[Yoo Joonghyuk had always been a man who pursued his path without letting others stop him. Matters of the heart were different though. There was no reason to force such a bond if the other didn't want it. The idea left him rather displeased, but he couldn't make Kim Dokja reciprocate or to want to pursue it. If the other already had someone of interest...] What is it that you want?
[Kim Dokja is barely sure he hears those words properly. His brain fully stops working after Yoo Joonghyk says he's accepted it, and he finds himself frozen, overwhelmed by feelings he doesn't know how to describe.
His plan had been to prove himself as useful to Yoo Joonghyk, and get accepted as his companion. He was also planning for ways to clear the scenarios, thinking about the optimal path forward, not just for the current scenario but for future ones as well. He was thinking about their survival. The likelihood increased if they were working together, especially if Yoo Joonghyk trusted his knowledge of the future.
He'd been trying not to think about the soulmate thing. It was too ridiculous. Even seeing the tattoo on his arm, he couldn't believe it. The idea that Yoo Joonghyk would just accept it, when Kim Dokja still had plans for how he could prove himself to the man...
This bastard regressor was supposed to be more difficult than this.
But he knew he had to say something. He'd been staring for a while. He opened his mouth, still trying to think of the words to actually say, and the silence dragged on for a little bit longer.]
You -- You want this?!
[His voice was decidedly high-pitched from his disbelief.]
[It's said by a man who didn't like distractions and had always been someone who didn't particularly enjoy falling into one's desires. He didn't have time to pursue romances while trying to seek the end of the Scenarios.
Yet-] I do though. [It's said evenly as someone who won't forsake the bond given to him. He knows the value and importance of it in his heart. He also knew that it wasn't like he couldn't find love. He had a child and a wife at some point, so it would be hypocritical of him not to consider someone who was actually fated to him.
His feelings weren't black and white. He had issues with it, but he also wasn't going to continue to deny it either. Surely the smaller man understood that too.
Yoo Joonghyuk pulls the other closer to him so they're almost flush against each other. His expression is curious as ever. Kim Dokja has yet to say if he wanted this and he isn't sure how to take that. There is no murderous intent and his actions were a far cry from the hands that seemingly only knew how to fight. Even someone like him knew how to show care, even if his person strayed farther and farther from such notions.] Do you want this or not, Kim Dokja?
[Being pulled closer does nothing to help Kim Dokja think more clearly. His mind is fully on how it would feel to lean into him. Warmth is radiating off Yoo Joonghyuk's body, reminiscent of the power contained in this man. He's a psychopath. Kim Dokja hates him.
His mouth has gone dry.]
I've never --
[His heart is beating too hard, too fast. He's read about the kind of pull soulmates feel towards each other, but he'd never imagined it would be like this.]
I never would have imagined this as even possible, and now you're throwing it at me all of a sudden? I know you have experience with these things, but I don't!
[Now his words sound accusatory, defensive. He's forgetting himself and speaking loud enough that they can probably hear him back at the station.', but that's the last thing on his mind right now. His body is tense - he doesn't want to do the right thing here, so it's better to not do anything at all.]
[What a weird comment to make. It's also really not a great one since Yoo Joonghyuk isn't exactly a paragon of experience either. Lee Seolhwa had also been rather proactive in their relationship. It wouldn't have worked if she were not also pursuing him as he pursued her. He had a lot to learn too because a man who grew to only know how to fight barely knew how to handle matters of the heart.
He isn't so sure that he knows much of it even now.]
Give me a yes or a no. You seem to know me, so you would know that a direct answer is what I want.
[Yoo Joonghyuk was being terribly patient right now. He's not angry, but there is a hint of exasperation. He's trying though because the other seemed to need him to be patient.] I'll ask again. Do you want this or not, Kim Dokja?
[He wants to say: But you said "I don't" and "I do" in almost the same breath, and now you're expecting him to answer with just one word? That doesn't seem fair! He doesn't know how to do this, what the next step would be if he says yes. He knows he'll be a shitty soulmate. The last thing he wants is for Yoo Joonghyk to make this decision and then end up disappointed. He imagines he already is disappointed.
He doesn't say any of that, because he does know the man. Any answer other than "yes" will be taken as a no, and just the thought of saying no is so physically painful that he doesn't think he could get the word out.
Maybe the weight of having a soulmate is finally hitting him. It really is an irresistible force, stronger than gravity.]
--Yes.
[There's no confidence in his voice, but the lack of confidence isn't because of a lack of desire. It's funny, he'd never thought of himself as gay. He's pretty sure the author of ways of survival intended for Yoo Joonghyk to be straight, so this whole situation really has to be some sort of mistake.]
[Yoo Joonghyuk feels like he can suddenly breathe normally. He hadn't realized just how hard it felt to do so, but hearing that yes was like a weight lifted.
He had been worried that the other would say no and reject him. Of course, he'd still keep moving forward, but the idea that someone fated to him didn't have any intentions of wanting his company was somehow a bleak prospect. It probably didn't help that he had some really badly timed epiphanies about the other.
The man merely offers the other the smallest of smiles. Despite the small gesture, it was dazzling though. Kim Dokja might find him more or less trapped between a wall and the regressor. When it happened, who knows, but he merely lifts Kim Dokja's chin up.
Both of them must have heard plenty of indirect messages and coins being sponsored. Yoo Joonghyuk has ignored every single one of them to this point since they've been talking.] I am.
[He seems very satisfied with the answer and perhaps the other should have expected. The taller man leans down to press his mouth against Kim Dokja's own. The kiss is much like his grip on the smaller man's wrist. It's firm, but surprisingly gentle. If the other truly wanted to push him away, there was enough space for it. The hand on his chin had dropped to settle on Kim Dokja's waist and pull him closer.
He was fine with leading. If the other had no confidence or experience, then they would learn. He didn't even think of the chance that the other might disappoint him because he was already so satisfied to have them by his side.]
[That smile is enough of a distraction. It's a rare expression on Yoo Joonghyk, who spent 3000 chapters making himself miserable, even if somehow he did find moments of happiness throughout the story. It's not the first time Kim Dokja has seen a smile from him at all, but there's something genuine with this one he's not sure what to do with.
And it's his attempt at analyzing it that distracts him enough that he doesn't realize he's being moved until his back hits the wall.
He stares up at him. He is fully out of his element, and trying not to freak out.
He probably would, if that kiss hadn't shut off his brain entirely. His mind just goes blank as he tries to process the sensation of the other man's lips on his, their bodies now pressed together, the muscles of the man in front of him somehow feeling more solid right now than the rock wall behind him. His own hand, he realizes, is now on Yoo Joonghyk's shoulder.
It takes several long moments before he thinks to return some pressure into the kiss. It's not much - he really has no confidence - but it's unmistakably there. He's up on tiptoe, slightly, leaning into him, for once not thinking about anything other than how good it feels.
Like he's been waiting all his life just for this.]
The kiss felt too short yet too long and he had wanted to deepen it, but the other seemed to be overwhelmed just by this rather tame kiss. Speaking of-]
You're bad at kissing. [It's said rather bluntly, but there isn't really anything about the statement that's condescending or teasing. It's just said matter-of-factly. He doesn't seem bothered by it either. It's like he merely wanted to point out an observation he had made.
Despite insulting Kim Dokja's kissing, he leans in again to press another chase kiss before giving the other room. He apparently wanted more of it even if it was mediocre.
He already wanted more than what he had taken, but he also knew that they've been gone for a decent chunk of time and that they were still in the midst of a Scenario. Surely, the man will let him continue another time.] We can't stay here.
[He sputters, embarrassed, and trying not to be disappointed that the kiss has ended. He wishes he had a way to look up proper kissing techniques, or a skill he could buy, or -- He knows it's ridiculous, but he also knew he'd be no good at it.
Immediately several indirect messages appear with pointers for how to improve, or what he should do next. Most of them don't even make sense, and just make his embarrassment worse.]
Shut up!
[It's at the constellations, not at Yoo Joonghyk, though Yoo Joonghyk deserves to hear it, too.]
I did tell you I have no experience. You don't get to be disappointed.
[He knows they can't stay here, but now he wants to. He doesn't want to leave it like this. Maybe he'll have to find a different way to impress, one that has nothing to do with kissing.]
[The reaction was...cute. Was that the right word, he wonders, but it's the word that fits best in his head. He hadn't expected the man who so confidently told him to let go at the bridge and to claim to want to be companions in equal to become so flustered by a kiss.
There wasn't even any tongue involved.
He chuckles a little. It's soft and low, but it's a chuckle nonetheless.]
I didn't say I was disappointed. I'm not. [Why did the other think he was disappointed? Just because the other was terrible at kissing didn't mean he was disappointed. Honestly, it was one of the most pleasing kisses he had. He couldn't put a finger as to why-
Ah, wait. No experience-] Is this your first kiss? [Local Korean regressor decides that they can spend a few more minutes here so that he can ask terribly embarrassing questions about his soulmate.]
[This is getting worse by the second. The indirect messages are now a combination of sympathetic and mocking, and he can't even be happy about the amount of coin being sponsored. He wants to sink into the ground. Maybe he could buy the Recluse's Cloak to hide from the constellations and his asshole of a soulmate.
He doesn't want to answer that question.]
So what if it is?
[No, they're not doing this. He's not letting Yoo Joonghyk get his entertainment from embarrassing him, no matter how profitable.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He's relieved when that head is smashed instead.]
He'll turn up again.
[The real body would be elsewhere. They might have made an enemy of him. Not that Kim Dokja really cares. He can plan around it, though having other people who know part of the future is still a risk, because they might change important details. They might reach rewards that he needs before him.
If he was any better at self-insight, he'd know that his thoughts were a distraction. He's still watching Yoo Joonghyk, trying not to think about how empty he feels since their bond as soulmates was broken. He can't regret dying. It was necessary. It allowed him to clear the scenario. He doesn't have time for it to hurt.]
Are you planning to take a station to take part in the scenario? I can help.
no subject
Kim Dokja was correct when he knew he wasn't fast enough to compete against Yoo Joonghyuk. His hand shoots out and grabs ahold of the reader's arm. His grip was firm, but there was something uncharacteristically gentle about it. He merely pushes the sleeve up slightly so he can watch the tattoo on the smaller man's wrist come alive once again.
The incredibly tense shoulders dropped and relaxed. Everything about Yoo Joonghyuk seems to soften right at that moment. It was like watching something tightly woven unravel at the seams. He merely brushed his fingers over Kim Dokja's tattoo without a word.
Kim Dokja might have wanted to keep things under wraps, but Yoo Joonghyuk has always never cared for what people wanted it seems. Right this moment, he especially didn't care when he felt so incredibly grounded again. It was one thing to be a starving man who didn't know what they were missing and being a starving man who had felt tremendous loss. He no longer can go back to a time where soulmates meant nothing to him.
He wasn't satisfied with just this, really. He wanted to touch the other more. He wanted to feel their hair underneath his fingers or the press of lips.
He doesn't though.
Yoo Joonghyuk was sure the other wouldn't reciprocate, so he'll take scraps for now.
He doesn't care if people are murmuring or staring. His attention was completely on the man in front of him.]
no subject
He stares at it, too. Watches it come back to life, feels that emptiness fade away again, like he'd been waiting his whole life for this moment. It was a cliché, but there was no other way to describe it.]
I didn't actually think you'd know when it happened.
[Of course he'd know. In the stories, everyone always knew when their soulmate died. But it had only been temporary, and his original plan had been to be brought back immediately. He still wasn't sure exactly why he hadn't been.]
[The Constellation Demon-Like Judge of Fire has sponsored 100 gold.]
[The message snaps him out of it. He's being watched, not just by the constellations, but by the rest of Chungmuro station. He can hear them whispering, though they're all staying back for some reason.]
Wait--
[He can feel himself getting flustered. What were they all thinking? He'd been keeping this tattoo hidden for a reason!]
Wait, why are you just grabbing me anyway? I don't have to explain what happened, but I would have if you just asked, so--
[Even though it's a relief to have been grabbed. Even though he never wants to feel that emptiness again. But now he's glancing at everyone around them, and looking like he wants to be anywhere but there.]
no subject
I felt you die.
[Kim Dokja was the one who died. He didn't know what it felt to have you entire world crumble just like that. There was even a moment where Yoo Joonghyuk wondered if regressing would send him to the next turn to reunite with the other. It was terrifying though. He had never felt true fear until that moment, he thinks. Kim Dokja wasn't in his first two regressions. He couldn't say if the other would appear in his future regressions. Would he risk a future regression without his soulmate or live through a regression with them dead?
He didn't have any answers to his questions. Seeing the other was no short of a miracle in his eyes. He doesn't know how they came back alive, but he knows that he can't rely on the other doing it again.]
Do you- [He grits his teeth.] Do you think that this wouldn't have affected me, Kim Dokja? [This man was a fool. An idiot. Whatever damn knowledge he had; Yoo Joonghyuk wasn't obviously privy too.] How would a dead man explain to me what happened?
[Did the other think he knew he came back to life? Perhaps they would understand now that until he saw them again, he had assumed the man was gone for good.
He doesn't let go still. The other might be flustered, but he can give Yoo Joonghyuk this much at least.]
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I was never going to stay dead. I got King of no Killing.
[He keeps his voice down so he can avoid the entire station overhearing, at least. The more information he manages to keep private, the better.]
It was supposed to be instant!
[He really can't do this here. He doesn't want to defend himself to this bastard, especially not when he can hear people taking sides. They're calling him reckless. He's pretty sure he can hear the word selfish.
He reaches out to grab Yoo Joonghyk's coat, thinking he'll be the one to drag the bastard this time, then realizes too late that since Yoo Joonghyk is already holding him, this is just more awkward. But whatever, it's too late, so he starts to drag him just like that into the tunnel, where they can at least find some privacy.]</small
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Do you think I knew that? [He snaps a little. If Kim Dokja said yes, he might actually punch the other.
He's trying his damn best to be as patient as possible because the other obviously has no idea just how they're affecting him. He even lets the smaller man drag him away from prying eyes. It didn't matter to him, but apparently it mattered to the other.
If it means he can still hold onto the other then he's fine with this.] What is it?
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He wonders if he could get away with going deeper into the tunnel. Pull his arm free, and go find a sub-scenario to complete. It would be easier than dealing with whatever this is.]
I didn't think you knew that. But I didn't think it mattered.
[If he'd come back instantly, then Yoo Joonghyk might not have known... Though their tattoos might still have faded, and that feeling of loss he's been pretending wasn't real, that would have given it away.]
You're the one who threw me off a bridge, and left me to fight monsters all night!
[He could have died then, too!]
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I didn't think it mattered either. [He grits his teeth as he forces those words out. Like they physically pained him to say out loud. It was an embarrassing declaration that the man had also realized just how much it mattered when it actually did.
He was also learning how to handle the whole soulmate thing. He was never great with his emotions, but it's becoming glaringly obvious that the "perfect protagonist" was very much a human with noticeable flaws. This was a learning experience for both of them and one that couldn't be handled the same way he normally handled things. It was frustrating.]
I needed you to prove to me something back at the bridge. [It may have been logical to Yoo Joonghyuk, but most would find his tactics quite extreme. Still. He needed it though. His next response comes out a little more sulkily.] Tch. I waited two days. [He had waited to see the results at first before continuing forward. Even then, he won't admit to the way he kept glancing at his own tattoo. It was the only confirmation he had that the other wasn't dead yet.
He doesn't comment about the night with the green zones. Either it wasn't important for him to comment or he didn't want to say anything about it.
Maybe he was being particularly petty that night. Either way, if the other was expecting some apology from the man, it wasn't going to be given. He was standing by his methods.
His grip tightens a little, but was still a far cry from the death grip he had on Kim Dokja's neck the first time they met.] My tattoo appeared on the subway. [Kim Dokja already knows that he never had one, but Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know that the other knew such information. It seemed important to say because he didn't understand why it appeared when it did.] Why did you appear now? Why not before? [Could the other even answer that?]
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[He doesn't really care at this point that Yoo Joonghyk dropped him to the Ichyosaur. He's a bit annoyed at the green zone event, but he also knows better than to expect an apology. Yoo Joonghyk makes his decisions and doesn't look back, even if that means sacrificing people. It had been Kim Dokja's responsibility to survive that night. But--
Wait.
He'd waited two days?
He feels some of his annoyance at the man drain out, but his annoyance at the situation only increases. There was nothing from Ways of Survival to help him figure this out. Yoo Joonghyk was acting strangely, looking at him strangely. Yoo Joonghyk seemed just as annoyed as he was, which made sense, because he was having feelings forced on him by the tattoos that he didn't have time for, that he didn't want. He'd probably tried to ignore it, and Kim Dokja's death had proved that he couldn't. Having a soulmate now would only be a distraction for the regressor. A weakness.
He does kind of like knowing that the protagonist of the story waited for someone like him. It wouldn't be possible normally.]
Maybe I didn't survive those times.
[That doesn't really make sense. Yoo Joonghyk should have been born with his tattoo, since Kim Dokja was older, and he should have had his most of his life.]
Maybe there's more qualifications to make someone a soulmate than just existing. Maybe yours is a special case. I didn't have knowledge of the future before the scenarios started, so I wouldn't have been useful to you.
[He's rambling, throwing out thoughts he's not sure he believes in. But he'd finished reading Ways of Survival on that train ride. His knowledge had been completed. The alternative he can think of is that someone powerful enough had decided to alter this round for Yoo Joonghyk, but knowing this man doesn't like having his life meddled with, hearing that would only make him angry, so he stays quiet.]
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What he does know is that Kim Dokja's death was sudden and came as a complete surprise.] Can't I be mad? [He glares at the other.] Do you know what it felt like when you died? [It wasn't as though the other could say that Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know what it was like to die. To suffer. Sure, he never truly died and regressed instead, but he knew the pains of dying and he knew that regressing also wasn't an enjoyable experience.
Still, he thinks he would take those over that moment of feeling Kim Dokja dying.]
You know that's not possible. Tattoos appear when the younger of the two is conceived. It's a symbol of a deeper bond that transcends human knowledge. [That was surprisingly eloquent from the man. Although he never had one and stopped caring for them; he was knowledgeable.
For his to appear when he regressed meant that they didn't exist for each other until now. Why though?]
What does usefulness have to do with this? [He's looking at the other like they're stupid. Why was the other bringing up being useful? How aggravating. He hated that the other wasn't wrong about being a special case, but that was because he didn't have one while living in a world where everyone else had one. It was like he had been born to stand alone in solitude.] Fool. Does it matter anyways? You are my soulmate.
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[Yes, he'd died on purpose. He probably shouldn't have admitted that, if he wants this hypocritical bastard to be less angry, but he didn't care. It had been the option that had the highest chance of success in that scenario, so the risk had been calculated. He'd reached the flag in time, and made himself King of no Killing. It had been worth the risk.
He's running out of words. It's a rare feeling for him. It's annoying. He finds that he doesn't like being called a fool by Yoo Joonghyk, and he doesn't know what to do with his bluntness.
Why is he talking about soulmates like he's accepted it?]
You're the one who asked!
[And he doesn't have any other explanations, aside from "you were in a character in a story for me up until that train ride." He doubts that will go over well.]
Do you--
[He really doesn't have words. He's exhausted. His brain isn't working fast enough.]
What are you going to do?
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Whatever it was that he even wanted. He doesn't know. It's complicated.] I'll tell you then. I felt the world crumble around me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. [These were incredibly risky moments for a regressor. How easy would it have been for the man to succumb to those feelings and to decide that this turn was no longer worth continuing in.] I felt I had lost every reason to live and nothing could replace the hole you had left. [He studied the other carefully.] Did you not say I was no longer alone? Or was that all just talk back in the dungeon?
[Yoo Joonghyuk might not be particularly fond of the situation that had been forced onto him, but he had accepted it.]
What do you mean what am I going to do?
[It might be irritating to have a question basically parroted back, but the question was so vague and Kim Dokja needed to be a little less vague about what exactly he means.
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He's realizing just how tall he is, too. How broad his chest is. His physique isn't just bought through coin, and that has never been more clear than now. For a second he forgets to breathe.]
I--
[The awkwardness of having to tilt his head back to look at the man does help him focus, if only because it reminds him to be annoyed.]
It was the option that carried the least risk.
[He finds he doesn't want to explain himself. Explaining his plans means he stands the risk of someone ruining them, and while this particular plan has already succeeded, he might have to do something similar in the future. Not to mention that explanations will only increase Yoo Joonghyuk's anger here.]
I'm alive now. I knew I'd survive. [That's a lie, there were too many ways his plan could have gone wrong.] So -- let's move on?
It's not like I didn't feel it, too. I knew you were alive, but I wasn't sure -- I thought the bond might be lost.
[The more eloquent Yoo Joonghyuk is being, the more Kim Dokja seems to be stumbling over his words.]
What are you going to do about having a soulmate?
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All it really did was leave him with a headache. It wouldn't take away the moment he felt, but at least maybe he could try to prevent it from happening again. The ache in his chest doesn't subside in anyway though. Maybe he just wanted the other to care a little more about himself instead of dismissing it all.]
What do you mean? Should I do something about it?
[He tilts his head and gives the other a curious gaze. It's not a glare or a scowl and it's even softer than his more neutral expressions. He was studying Kim Dokja.] What is there to do about it? We're soulmates and that won't change. I've accepted it. [He considers his next words before responding.] If you aren't interested though then I won't pursue it.
[Yoo Joonghyuk had always been a man who pursued his path without letting others stop him. Matters of the heart were different though. There was no reason to force such a bond if the other didn't want it. The idea left him rather displeased, but he couldn't make Kim Dokja reciprocate or to want to pursue it. If the other already had someone of interest...] What is it that you want?
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His plan had been to prove himself as useful to Yoo Joonghyk, and get accepted as his companion. He was also planning for ways to clear the scenarios, thinking about the optimal path forward, not just for the current scenario but for future ones as well. He was thinking about their survival. The likelihood increased if they were working together, especially if Yoo Joonghyk trusted his knowledge of the future.
He'd been trying not to think about the soulmate thing. It was too ridiculous. Even seeing the tattoo on his arm, he couldn't believe it. The idea that Yoo Joonghyk would just accept it, when Kim Dokja still had plans for how he could prove himself to the man...
This bastard regressor was supposed to be more difficult than this.
But he knew he had to say something. He'd been staring for a while. He opened his mouth, still trying to think of the words to actually say, and the silence dragged on for a little bit longer.]
You -- You want this?!
[His voice was decidedly high-pitched from his disbelief.]
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[It's said by a man who didn't like distractions and had always been someone who didn't particularly enjoy falling into one's desires. He didn't have time to pursue romances while trying to seek the end of the Scenarios.
Yet-] I do though. [It's said evenly as someone who won't forsake the bond given to him. He knows the value and importance of it in his heart. He also knew that it wasn't like he couldn't find love. He had a child and a wife at some point, so it would be hypocritical of him not to consider someone who was actually fated to him.
His feelings weren't black and white. He had issues with it, but he also wasn't going to continue to deny it either. Surely the smaller man understood that too.
Yoo Joonghyuk pulls the other closer to him so they're almost flush against each other. His expression is curious as ever. Kim Dokja has yet to say if he wanted this and he isn't sure how to take that. There is no murderous intent and his actions were a far cry from the hands that seemingly only knew how to fight. Even someone like him knew how to show care, even if his person strayed farther and farther from such notions.] Do you want this or not, Kim Dokja?
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His mouth has gone dry.]
I've never --
[His heart is beating too hard, too fast. He's read about the kind of pull soulmates feel towards each other, but he'd never imagined it would be like this.]
I never would have imagined this as even possible, and now you're throwing it at me all of a sudden? I know you have experience with these things, but I don't!
[Now his words sound accusatory, defensive. He's forgetting himself and speaking loud enough that they can probably hear him back at the station.', but that's the last thing on his mind right now. His body is tense - he doesn't want to do the right thing here, so it's better to not do anything at all.]
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[What a weird comment to make. It's also really not a great one since Yoo Joonghyuk isn't exactly a paragon of experience either. Lee Seolhwa had also been rather proactive in their relationship. It wouldn't have worked if she were not also pursuing him as he pursued her. He had a lot to learn too because a man who grew to only know how to fight barely knew how to handle matters of the heart.
He isn't so sure that he knows much of it even now.]
Give me a yes or a no. You seem to know me, so you would know that a direct answer is what I want.
[Yoo Joonghyuk was being terribly patient right now. He's not angry, but there is a hint of exasperation. He's trying though because the other seemed to need him to be patient.] I'll ask again. Do you want this or not, Kim Dokja?
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He doesn't say any of that, because he does know the man. Any answer other than "yes" will be taken as a no, and just the thought of saying no is so physically painful that he doesn't think he could get the word out.
Maybe the weight of having a soulmate is finally hitting him. It really is an irresistible force, stronger than gravity.]
--Yes.
[There's no confidence in his voice, but the lack of confidence isn't because of a lack of desire. It's funny, he'd never thought of himself as gay. He's pretty sure the author of ways of survival intended for Yoo Joonghyk to be straight, so this whole situation really has to be some sort of mistake.]
There. One word. Are you happy now?
[It's his turn to sulk.]
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He had been worried that the other would say no and reject him. Of course, he'd still keep moving forward, but the idea that someone fated to him didn't have any intentions of wanting his company was somehow a bleak prospect. It probably didn't help that he had some really badly timed epiphanies about the other.
The man merely offers the other the smallest of smiles. Despite the small gesture, it was dazzling though. Kim Dokja might find him more or less trapped between a wall and the regressor. When it happened, who knows, but he merely lifts Kim Dokja's chin up.
Both of them must have heard plenty of indirect messages and coins being sponsored. Yoo Joonghyuk has ignored every single one of them to this point since they've been talking.] I am.
[He seems very satisfied with the answer and perhaps the other should have expected. The taller man leans down to press his mouth against Kim Dokja's own. The kiss is much like his grip on the smaller man's wrist. It's firm, but surprisingly gentle. If the other truly wanted to push him away, there was enough space for it. The hand on his chin had dropped to settle on Kim Dokja's waist and pull him closer.
He was fine with leading. If the other had no confidence or experience, then they would learn. He didn't even think of the chance that the other might disappoint him because he was already so satisfied to have them by his side.]
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And it's his attempt at analyzing it that distracts him enough that he doesn't realize he's being moved until his back hits the wall.
He stares up at him. He is fully out of his element, and trying not to freak out.
He probably would, if that kiss hadn't shut off his brain entirely. His mind just goes blank as he tries to process the sensation of the other man's lips on his, their bodies now pressed together, the muscles of the man in front of him somehow feeling more solid right now than the rock wall behind him. His own hand, he realizes, is now on Yoo Joonghyk's shoulder.
It takes several long moments before he thinks to return some pressure into the kiss. It's not much - he really has no confidence - but it's unmistakably there. He's up on tiptoe, slightly, leaning into him, for once not thinking about anything other than how good it feels.
Like he's been waiting all his life just for this.]
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The kiss felt too short yet too long and he had wanted to deepen it, but the other seemed to be overwhelmed just by this rather tame kiss. Speaking of-]
You're bad at kissing. [It's said rather bluntly, but there isn't really anything about the statement that's condescending or teasing. It's just said matter-of-factly. He doesn't seem bothered by it either. It's like he merely wanted to point out an observation he had made.
Despite insulting Kim Dokja's kissing, he leans in again to press another chase kiss before giving the other room. He apparently wanted more of it even if it was mediocre.
He already wanted more than what he had taken, but he also knew that they've been gone for a decent chunk of time and that they were still in the midst of a Scenario. Surely, the man will let him continue another time.] We can't stay here.
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[He sputters, embarrassed, and trying not to be disappointed that the kiss has ended. He wishes he had a way to look up proper kissing techniques, or a skill he could buy, or -- He knows it's ridiculous, but he also knew he'd be no good at it.
Immediately several indirect messages appear with pointers for how to improve, or what he should do next. Most of them don't even make sense, and just make his embarrassment worse.]
Shut up!
[It's at the constellations, not at Yoo Joonghyk, though Yoo Joonghyk deserves to hear it, too.]
I did tell you I have no experience. You don't get to be disappointed.
[He knows they can't stay here, but now he wants to. He doesn't want to leave it like this. Maybe he'll have to find a different way to impress, one that has nothing to do with kissing.]
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[The reaction was...cute. Was that the right word, he wonders, but it's the word that fits best in his head. He hadn't expected the man who so confidently told him to let go at the bridge and to claim to want to be companions in equal to become so flustered by a kiss.
There wasn't even any tongue involved.
He chuckles a little. It's soft and low, but it's a chuckle nonetheless.]
I didn't say I was disappointed. I'm not. [Why did the other think he was disappointed? Just because the other was terrible at kissing didn't mean he was disappointed. Honestly, it was one of the most pleasing kisses he had. He couldn't put a finger as to why-
Ah, wait. No experience-] Is this your first kiss? [Local Korean regressor decides that they can spend a few more minutes here so that he can ask terribly embarrassing questions about his soulmate.]
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He doesn't want to answer that question.]
So what if it is?
[No, they're not doing this. He's not letting Yoo Joonghyk get his entertainment from embarrassing him, no matter how profitable.]
Weren't we leaving?
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