regretsor | Are you hurting the one you love?

[Kim Dokja finds himself leaning into Yoo Joonghyuk's strong body as he's pulled closer. Normally he'd be horrified, because while they did gain some distance, there are still people around. There are still people watching. But the immediate warmth that fills him as their bond is reconfirmed makes him forget all of that, and he finds that he can finally properly breathe.

He'd like to just stay like this. He doesn't feel like arguing, which he knows will happen if he tries to explain himself. He starts to anyway - he's gathering his thoughts, trying to find the best angle, and he's about ready to say something when Yoo Joonghyk throws out that last accusation. The words hit worse than a punch.]

I'm cruel?

[Love? He supposes that's what soulmates feel, but it's too much of an abstract term to him. He's surprised that Yoo Joonghyk is the one who says it so easily.]

It's cruel to try to help you?

[He's a little bit angry at the accusation, but mostly he's lost. He really doesn't know how to do this. They have to keep fighting the scenarios, and what he did was the best option, and it worked out. It's no reason to be angry with him.]

There's a difference between saving everyone and saving no one. You might be a cynical bastard, but I want to try.

[He just wants Yoo Joonghyk to have hope.]

[He pulls away because he has to stare at the other incredulously. Yoo Joonghyuk can feel his temper flaring, but he's still terribly patient with the other. Still, it was obvious that the taller man was mad.]

Do you think you're helping me? Is that what you really think? [The man manages not to raise his voice.] Kim Dokja. Consider for a moment since you can't seem to get it through your damn head. What do you think your soulmate would do if it were someone else and not me? [Could the other reasonably think that his soulmate wouldn't have gone insane after the first death? The second?

Could the other reasonably think that anyone else could endure every loss like the regressor had? And that's still not taking into account Yoo Joonghyuk's state of mind and how weak his mental barriers were because of the accumulation of trauma he forces through.] Do you think they would still be in their right of mind after watching you die as you did?

[Why won't this man understand? Why doesn't he understand how precious he is to him.]

Is that what you think of me? [It wasn't as though Kim Dokja wasn't completely wrong, but something about it hurt coming from the other. If only the other was reminded that this wasn't the Yoo Joonghyuk of the novel and still the third turn Yoo Joonghuk.] Do you- [He grits his teeth.] Do you think I haven't tried? Do you honestly think I want them to die? [When he had told him to kill Lee Seolhwa it was because adverting the destruction of the dome had preceded his personal feelings about her. It was no different with Shin Yoosung.

Almost no one else would mourn their deaths nor would those deaths weigh heavy on them like it would on Yoo Joonghyuk, who had to accept the loss of his companions for the sake of this regression because he was too weak. Always too weak.]

[He tries to consider it. When Yoo Joonghyk tells him to, he does his best to put himself in those shoes. To imagine what it would be like to lose a soulmate. It's the pride of a reader to be able to understand other people's emotions, so he's quiet for a moment now, looking at it from his angle.

In the stories he's read about soulmates, losing a soulmate is described as being as painful as dying yourself. It's like your own heart simply disappears from your chest. In a lot of cases, the person who lost their soulmate can't even go on living themselves. Life loses all meaning, so they fade away.

He felt a bit of that while their bond was broken. But he'd known Yoo Joonghyk was alive.]

[Your exclusive skill The Fourth Wall is shaking.]

[He doesn't want to think about actually losing Yoo Joonghyk. This bastard might regress at any time, if things get difficult. And he has no idea what will happen to him then, if this world will disappear with his regression, or if he'll have to go on without his soulmate.]

[Your exclusive skill The Fourth Wall is shaking.]

[He doesn't know if he will appear in Yoo Joonghyk's next regression, or if Yoo Joonghyk will be without a soulmate all over again. It's no wonder this man loses his humanity, and starts simply killing every obstacle in his way.

But he's not there yet. It hits him suddenly: Yoo Joonghyk isn't there yet. He's saying all this with so much feeling, in a way that the Yoo Joonghyk of the later regressions never would. He'd tried to talk to Lee Seolhwa. He'd tried to talk to Shin Yoosung. He's not the psychopath that Kim Dokja has been thinking of him as. He's staring a bit in disbelief now, before his brain catches up again.]

I didn't know if you'd survive if her attack hit you. I knew I'd be resurrected with King of No Killing.

[Maybe asking Yoo Joonghyk to kill him had been a bit extreme... But he'd been dying anyway, and he wanted Yoo Joonghyk to win.]

[Your exclusive skill The Fourth Wall is shaking.]

[He breathes out.]

I know you tried. I know you don't want them to die. That's why I wanted to help. And I did it for Shin Yoosung, too.

[And he's not done helping her, but he has a feeling it would be a bad idea to say so now.]

[He lets out an exasperated sigh. Some of that anger seems to ebb out of him. He's tired.]

I don't know that. [It wasn't as though he had forgotten that the other could come back to life, but it wasn't as though he wanted to rely on it either. There might be a time where it might not be ready to activate. That Kim Dokja might die and stay dead. He can't pretend that it isn't a risk that can occur.] I can't assume that you'll come back everytime.

[There's always the risk of dying. The Scenarios are too cruel to let them get through without some loss. It's inevitable and Yoo Joonghyuk has to steel his heart if he wants to weather through and keep going.] I've...watched enough people die already. [It's a surprisingly vulnerable statement from the regressor.] Is it too much to ask for you to try and keep living too?

[I'm too weak. I can't protect my companions much less my soulmate. I have to get stronger. Strong enough that he won't sacrifice himself anymore.]

[His brows furrow.]

I'll destroy it. I'll get my revenge. [They both knew that Yoo Joonghyuk had no intention of letting the events of the Fifth Scenario be nothing more than just a drama. That he won't let her suffering be in vain.

That was something the protagonist could promise. It was like the man was created to contend against the Scenarios. Like his life was built to fight.]

[He keeps getting the message that the Fourth Wall is shaking, but Kim Dokja is the one who feels shaken. His injuries disappeared with his resurrection, but his body is still exhausted, and that's hitting him hard. And this argument is somehow physically painful, even though it's been pretty brief, and that's not helping.

On the other hand, he can feel the warmth of Yoo Jonghyk's body even more strongly. It seems the Fourth Wall was shielding him from more than just what might hurt him.]

No one could keep watching people die forever without eventually becoming cynical.

[It's an answer to Yoo Joonghyuk's earlier question. It's why he needs to save these people, to protect this man. At the same time, he's struggling to see himself as part of the story. It's difficult to imagine his own life having an impact.

A reader is an outsider, after all.]

I'm planning to help you get that revenge. I have to be alive for that.

[The Fourth Wall is still shaking. He doesn't like it. It's making it a lot harder to focus on finding the right words.]

[He doesn't know why the statement shakes him to his very core. Maybe it's because his path has always been one he had to walk alone. No one could understand the depths of his grief and struggles. He would continue to move forward without being understood and no one else would ever realize just what he was suffering through.

The other speaks in such a way that they seem to understand though.

Or perhaps it's merely the feeling that he's being acknowledged. Kim Dokja didn't need to be a regressor to understand...

Would it be okay to lean into that feeling?]

You're a fool. [He raises a hand to brush a calloused thumb against the smaller man's cheek.] I don't need you to plan or scheme to help me. [He would get his revenge regardless if the other was there or not. He would go through countless regressions if he had to.] I- [He considers the next word carefully.] -want you by my side.

[He had considered telling the other he needed him by his side, but that didn't feel right. It wasn't a necessity, he thinks. It was muddied with being soulmates and that feeling of needing to be together, but he thinks want is a better word. He wanted the other to understand that this was a selfish desire of his own volition than some deep seated obligation.

That his choice was born, not of requirement, but of a personal request of his heart.]

[He'd be offended at being called a fool. He can feel his annoyance building, but the way Yoo Joonghyk is touching him throws him off, and then Yoo Joonghyuk continues. He wants him at his side.

He wants him at his side.

It feels so ridiculous it's funny, and he lets out a surprised bit of laughter, easing the tension of the past few minutes. He feels nothing but disbelief at the fact that this conversation even went as okay as it did. He has no idea how he managed to find the right words to say when he can barely even think. For a moment, exhausted but with his wall down, he feels good.

He leans into the touch. He wants to step closer again.]

I told you from the start, you can have me at your side. [He has a feeling it won't be the last time Yoo Joonghyuk calls him a fool.] This is easier when we work together.

[Hmm. This guy can actually be cute once in awhile.]

[He seems to observe the other for a moment.]

I want you by my side, so I hope it's reciprocated. [A pause.] So it would be nice once in awhile if you initiated. I can't tell what you're thinking, Kim Dokja. I can't tell if you want this sometimes. [Yoo Joonghyuk...was sulking. The perfect protagonist, supreme king, regressor, Yoo Joonghyuk was sulking.

It was a good reminder that the man had probably given up any semblance to being young and dumb and had to grow up quickly. Especially when Yoo Mia came into the picture and especially now where he had to fight to see the next day.]

[He blinks, looking confused for a moment. This man wants him to initiate? He doubts that Kim Dokja wants this? Wouldn't anyone want this. He never thought of himself as gay before, but wanting Yoo Joonghyk has quickly become as natural as breathing.

His expression quickly turns into one of embarrassment, and he looks away.]

You already know I have no talent.

[He hates admitting weakness, especially when it's for something personal. He hasn't had a chance to look up any advice or guides, because everything has been so busy, and the two of them never have much time together at all.

At his hesitation, immediately advice starts coming in, telling him to kiss Yoo Joonghyk, to sweep him off his feet. Some of the advice is definitely not appropriate. It's a terrible reminder that they have no privacy here, and only ends up making him more flustered.]

If you don't mind giving me a chance to get better...

[He'll step closer. But this man is so tall. What is he even supposed to do, grab him by his coat to yank him down? That's something Yoo Joonghyk would do, but he doubts it would go over well if he tried. He'd probably accidentally break his nose.]

Lean down, you bastard.

I don't care about that. [He looks at the other with a clear expression of "Are you always this stupid?" or something.] These kind of things. It's not about being good at it. Don't overthink it.

[Yoo Joonghyuk is pretty good at ignoring his indirect messages from constellations, but he does glance away for a moment. A certain archangel is spamming him and he can't help but click his tongue in minor annoyance. If only it were just her.] You ended up with a chatty bunch haven't you?

[He leans down for the other, but not without smirking a little.] I'll give you a chance to get better. [His smirk widens a bit.] I'll make sure you improve, Kim Dokja.

[If Uriel wasn't screaming before, she might be now. Not that he said it for the Constellations. He definitely said it to rile up his soulmate a bit.]

[It works. The very readable expression calling him stupid would have been enough to rile him up, and he already wants to find a way to make Yoo Joonghyk shut up. But that smirk, and the way he says he’ll make sure he improves? It shoots right through his sense of reason, and any hesitation that was left.

He grabs him and yanks him the rest of the way down, like he’d wanted to in the first place. The kiss is too hard because of it, too sudden, but he eases the pressure after a second. He doesn’t let go of Yoo Joonghyk’s coat, though.

If he closes his eyes, he can’t see the indirect messages. He also can’t see Yoo Joonghyk, and he immediately misses it. But at least he can focus on how the kiss feels.

He hesitates, then tries to move his lips.]

[Yoo Joonghyuk places his hands firmly on Kim Dokja's waist. He idly thinks about how thin the other is still. Even with coins. The man truly was too slender. He should help with that sometime...

The taller man merely laughs into the kiss. Despite the tragedy of the last Scenario; his heart felt light for once. When was the last time he truly laughed? It felt somewhat like a faraway memory now.

He merely pulls the other closer until they're more flushed against each other and he can kiss the other back fervently. He never claimed to be particularly affectionate, but he feels like the other was someone who might need it more than Lee Seolhwa did. If the other had never gotten to enjoy the love of a lover then Yoo Joonghyuk would give it to him.]

[There’s a second of worry when Yoo Joonghyk laughs. He feels defensive, knowing he isn’t good at this, and wondering if he’s laughing at him. But Yoo Joonghyk seems to be laughing for the same reasons he was - a release of tension, pure relief. Maybe this moment was necessary.

It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s pulled close and all he can think about is wanting to keep kissing. He’ll never get used to how tall his soulmate is. How strong his back is, how much warmth spreads from him and into Kim Dokja.

Though, embarrassingly, he realizes this is going to turn him on if they keep going. He tries to push that down. He doesn’t want to come across as too needy.

He’s completely forgotten that people can see this, but maybe it doesn’t matter.]

[He idly wonders about the contradictions this man was made of. For someone who seems so confident and unruly; they seem so unsure and docile in his arms right now. How can such a man care so much about others while never seeming to have experienced the love and passion that comes with a relationship.

How can a man be so bright?

How had he gotten this far without the other in his life? It was as though his heart could properly beat now.

The other is awkward and clumsy in his kiss, but they were earnest and it was more than enough to enjoy it. It was certainly endearing and made him fond even if it was solidly mediocre at best.

He's gentler this time with the kiss. It's far less searing than their last one. Yoo Joonghyuk keeps his mouth slotted with Kim Dokja's and he observes the other through half-lidded eyes. He parts his lips slightly to run his tongue against those soft lips; encouraging the other to let him deepen their kiss. To let him devour the other again.

The other was slippery at worst, so he'll take as much as he can while they are together.]

[He doesn't like keeping his eyes closed, he decides. He wants to watch Yoo Joonghyk, even if that means he'll also see any indirect messages that appear. He'll ignore them. Yoo Joonghyk is good at demanding all of his attention.

He lets go of his coat so he can slide his arms up and around his neck. His lips part after a moment, letting Yoo Joonghyk deepen the kiss, wanting more, not sure how he went this long without it. He can't even be annoyed that the other man so quickly took charge, even though he demanded that Kim Dokja initiate it. Of course this control freak wants to lead. But he's enjoying it, and it makes him less self-conscious about his lack of experience.

Though he'll definitely get better. He might have no talent, but he'll still find a way to learn. Impressing this beautiful bastard is still his number one priority.]

[Yoo Joonghyuk was a starving man. Probably more so than he even realized. The way he looked at the other with such want for the other was obvious. He wanted to devour the other man as much as he wanted to treat him with careful care as though he was the most precious thing in his eyes.

He happily takes his time to explore the other's mouth and map its entirety with his tongue. He shifts his arms so instead of grasping Kim Dokja's waist with his hands; he snakes one arm around that lithe waist while burying fingers into soft strands of hair. How surprising. He thought it would be more coarse, but it was nice under his fingertips.

He kisses the other for just a little bit longer before finally pulling away; a string of saliva trailing when they separate.] You're so much more compliant like this. [Smug asshole.]

[Kim Dokja is honestly losing track of time, of where he is, of what's going on around them. It's rare for him. He's usually incredibly conscious of the situation he's in - it's the only way he can plan and account for every eventuality, the only way to win in these scenarios as a reader with no talent. He's more than a little disappointed when the moment ends, and Yoo Joonghyk breaks the kiss.

Until he says that, of course. He'd be annoyed - he is annoyed - but his brain is still on the feeling of Yoo Joonghyk's tongue in his mouth, and he can't find the right words for a comeback.]

--You know that won't work every time.

[He's flustered. He's very flustered. He wants to shut this smug bastard up, but right now he can't think of anything.]

Control freak. Even when you ask me to initiate.

Won't it? [He tilts his head curiously.] For now, it seems to be a rather effective way to- [He tightens his grip on some of those soft locks. It's just tight enough to leave a sting.] -keep you pliant. Perhaps I'll trust your words if you can resist me better, Kim Dokja. [His voice comes out low; almost like a growl. There's just enough of a feral undertone hidden underneath that cold façade.

He really has no intention of rushing anything though even if his body wants. It's really a mixed feeling. He's not someone who likes his companions getting lost in lust and desire, but now he has to reconsider his stance. He definitely was falling in such a situation. He supposed, it was easier to believe such things when he didn't have the pull of a soulmate to cloud his thoughts.]

Just because I want you to initiate doesn't mean I don't want to participate. Are you saying that you want to take the reigns? [He doesn't comment about being a control freak. The smaller man wasn't wrong anyways. He didn't really know how to let others take over nor did he know how to trust someone enough to be vulnerable.

Still, if it's Kim Dokja, he thinks he can learn. He had already shown vulnerability to the other. Much faster than he would ever.

Could he learn to let go a little and let someone else take control?]

[Kim Dokja lets out a hiss of pain as Yoo Joonghyk's grip tightens. His eyes are looking straight up at the other, expression reminiscent of a deer in headlights. He's starting to get hard, he realizes with some horror.

What were the tricks for preventing an unwanted erection again? He can't remember.]

I don't think you can resist me either, so doesn't that leave you in the same position?

[He can't help it. He always wants to push back. Even now, trapped in this man's grip, he wants to challenge him. He grins like he did the first time they met, when he was being held off the edge of a bridge. It shouldn't feel similar but it does, tension building in his stomach, knowing he should be terrified, but somehow enjoying himself as he's facing down this man.]

I'm just saying you better hold onto that control while you can.

I'm in much more control with myself than you are.

[It comes out as a hiss. Where does this confidence come from? The man's experience is literally the three kisses that they've had but they still have the audacity to be a cocky bastard about it.

It sets something in him on fire. He wouldn't want it any other way and it makes him feel alive. Excited. He's trying not to push too quickly or too hard, but the other was making it painfully hard. His fingers are itching for more.]

Kim Dokja. [He outright growls this time.] You better hold your tongue. You don't want to tempt this.

Are you?

[He can't help it. He really can't resist. This man brings out something in him that makes him want to push him to the very edge. Yoo Joonghyk is the most frustrating and annoying protagonist he can imagine, and he can't imagine ever rolling over for a bastard like that. At the same time he wants him so much that it's painful.

He wants to say: It seems like all it would take for you to lose control is for me to keep talking. He doesn't, because he knows that if he does, Yoo Joonghyk will walk away just to prove a point. He doesn't want that. He doesn't want this moment to end.

Who knows when they'll next have a chance?]

Give up now and we'll call it a tie.

[This man is infuriating and frustrating and he wants them so damn much right now. It's nothing like Lee Seolhwa where their romance was much more gentle and soft. Lee Seolhwa was firm but gentle with her guidance while he struggled with the war in his heart.

Kim Dokja only seemed to know how to fan the flames and throw fuel into the fire. It leaves him wanting more and more. He wants all of him.

He pulls the other closer and grinds his hips down. The movement is so little. Enough to bring friction, but little enough that most wouldn't notice it. Well, the Constellations watching are probably acutely aware, but he's ignoring them. There's no privacy in their world, so he pretends they aren't there.]

I don't think you're in a position to be telling me to give up, Dokja-yah. [It was a bad idea to tell the other to give up for a tie. Yoo Joonghyuk was too competitive for that.]

[Kim Dokja can't help but moan as Yoo Joonghyk grinds against him. For a second he gets the same deer-in-headlights expression as he had earlier, as he realizes just how smug this bastard is gonna be. So he'd noticed that he was getting an erection. It was probably obvious when they were pressed against each other, but he'd been hoping.

He holds on a little bit tighter. It's strange to hear Yoo Joonghyk say his name like that, too, instead of just yelling it without honorifics. In the middle of this that's getting to him, too.]

We're not -- You know we're not in private.

And he suddenly really wishes they were.]

Everyone is close enough to see what you do.

Privacy doesn't exist as long as the Star Stream exists.

[He replies easily enough because it's not wrong. He also knows that the other isn't referring to that but that there are people waiting for them and watching them from afar.

The smaller man should have know better than to rile him up though. They seem to know exactly what buttons to push and how to work him up. It's dangerous and who is he to deny a bit of punishment if it means maybe teaching them to mind their tongue better.

He eyes the other like a predator accessing his prey.] What do you want? [He's asking for permission.]

[He doesn't comment on the Star Stream. He doesn't want to anger anyone following his channel, especially considering the move he pulled with them all earlier, to get them to subscribe. But he really wants to curse them all out for watching.

He doesn't want to think about any of that, but now that Yoo Joonghyuk has mentioned it, he can't help it.

He glances over his shoulder to where the others are. Looks back up at Yoo Joonghyk. He wets his lips a little. Maybe he can ignore the constellations, but he's still not answering that right here. He's not sure he knows how to answer.]

Can we go somewhere else first?

[He wants too much. He just wants to keep holding on.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject